frustrated

september 8, 2005

it was a special day for me - it was my birthday. i got a lot of birthday greetings from my co-clerks, residents, family members, and friends ever since the stroke of midnight. but i was waiting for a greeting - a call - from someone very special to me (which he promised 1 week before). unfortunately, i did not receive it. there was no call. knowing the difference in time zones, i really did understood & waited patiently until the time i learned that it was already a new date in his place. frustrated, i sent him text messages expressing to him my frustration & disapointment. all i got was a 3 sentence-email from him, sent on that very same day. i can't help but wonder if he really does care for me, or even bother to call me (even just for a very brief time) to greet me? is he really preoccupied with work that he took my feelings for granted? is he really that broke that he can't afford to buy a phone card so that he could talk with me? what and who has changed?

now i'm beginning to wonder if our relationship will really work. it's been more than 2 weeks since we last talked over the phone & i'm beginning to feel bleak with our frequent exchange of emails.

he just doesn't realize that i miss hearing his voice, his laughter, his concern.

i may have high expectations from him but what i was yearning for (as a highlight of that day) did not come.

is this what really happens in a long-distance relationship?

Lost and Confused

I had many career opportunities way back 2002, wherein I had the chance to practice my profession as a Physical Therapist both here and out of the country. But I all turned them down (well, not all of 'em) for the sake of pursuing medical education. Aside from that, someone close to me (back then) did not want me to leave the country & I easily get home-sicked. Staying at Cavite for almost 4 years was hurtful, what more if I'm somewhere else?

But then, in the middle of my clerkship (the final year of my medical education), I begin to wonder if I did make the right choice? If I let those rare opportunities pass me by without really thinking? (Did I allow myself to be used by someone else for his own sake? Nah! Enough of that sour-graping!)

I wanted to practice in the USA (since the curriculum is similar). On the other hand, US is saturated with filipino doctors training to be good (& competent specialists). I already inquired at ISCEC-Kaplan regarding USMLE (which costs P41,000 just for the Step 1). Besides, if I ever decide to have a family then, I don't think I will reckon their culture for my children's wellbringing.

A part of me wants to practice instead in the UK because there are less filipino doctors & more opportunities for medical research. (Well of course, my "honey" is there also). Unfortunately, I have less researches done which could pull my credentials down. Besides the fact that I was just an average student. And living there is so costly!

I wanted to leave the country with the goal of working as a Physical therapist before I aim to be a doctor (of that country, wherever that maybe). My problem - work experience. I just had half a year of experience and our clinical supervisor is already based in the US. The clinic where I used to work at is now owned by a school.

Why is it that whatever I do or choose to do (in my life) has always this obstacle which I can't overcome? There's always this factor that stops me from pursuing it? Or am i just too lazy or pessimistic in giving up all the way from the very beginning that I don't realize I have the capability of doing so?

I'm lost & confused. You know where I could ask for directions?