Of Lates, Demerits, Failure to Carry Out Orders, Insubordination...

It all started last wednesday, October 5 when I almost forgot about the residents' audit and made a sudden announcement to the group while the audit was taking place. I almost ran to the room & found that it had not started yet. Well, they were waiting for us clerks. I didn't know that the consultants already reprimanded the residents for our misconduct. The audit came by & there were just 7 of us who attended. After an hour, the residents approached me and asked "Asan ung iba nyong kasama? Bakit pito lang kayo?" I admitted my announcement was very late & it was my fault. But 1 of them (actually almost all of them) told me that it wasn't my entire fault coz by then (3rd week) we should already be familiar with the ward schedule and that audits are also for our learning. After 20 minutes of getting back into the ward, we were all summoned by the junior residents. We were all reprimanded because for it. They even brought up the issue that only 2 of us had their slides checked for our supposedly admitting conference last monday. We were dismissed feeling dismayed about ourselves. Then after 4 hrs., the clerks monitor called us all. He marked us all as "late" for that day - even those who attended. To make my day even worse, I found out that I had 1 day demerit for not submitting a copy of the drug index on time. Great! My motivation went down the drain, my drive suddenly disappeared and I asked myself "What's going on? How come I'm failing to do what I should do?"

I hoped and prayed to do well this time (even in the last week) at the Nursery. Even if it wasn't my patient, I carried out orders. Even if I wasn't the "runner", I did it for the sake that things will be less complicated. But this morning I made a very huge mistake again - I failed to include 3 lab exams. I realized my mistake when the nurse questioned our residents. Frantic, I made the request and gave it immediately to the father. Unfortunately, they couldn't afford it anymore. When I handed the request, the nurse was there & the other labs were already paid for. Instead of asking the opinion of the residents (on what labs to prioritize), I followed the nurse. I made a cancellation letter and when the resident read it, she questioned me on who made that decision. I made an alibi that it was the reason why the neonate stayed longer in the nursery & made my apology. She just said "ok" and I went to the laboratory and back to fix things. Because of it, I missed my co-clerk's report. Shame! It was for my learning.

My body's suffering from all kinds of stress - physical, psychological, intellectual, social, spiritual. I don't know what kind/course of action I should do to have enough rest and confidence to make me inspired, motivated, have the drive again to finish the remaining 6 months. I know it will be a big shame to quit at this time (& what good will it do?). Yet, I can't help fight the feeling that I am truly burned-out, depressed, robotic, unconfident in what I've been doing for the last days (God knows if it was longer than that).

So far, the possible (& most sensible, I think) option I have is to file for a leave of absence (LOA). The risk is the fact that I may not be able to graduate on time because of the make-up days I have to fill in. Yet with the number of demerits I have (at this point I have no idea but as they say "expect the unexpected" & even if I don't push through with filing for an LOA), I will still fail to fulfill the requirements for graduation.

What a life!