Bleudsky MD

Life

2006-09-21T01:43:00.000-07:00

This is my usual routine everyday - dorm/house then hospital then back again at the hospital. No variations, no changes. Nothing new.

Sometimes, I wished I wasn't a doctor. Sometimes, I wished I could do something else, aside from "serving humanity". How about myself? How can I serve others if I can't serve myself (vanity aside)?

Because of duty schedule, I occasionally fail to attend mass every sundays, pray at night because of lack of sleep & severe fatigability (especially if I'm on "from duty" status). I haven't been to the movie house for quite a while, always behind in terms of the latest gossip (hehe!), have no idea what my friends are up to nowadays, am ignorant what's going on with my country.

Because of these, my future's becoming dimmer, my path unknown, the road uncertain.

Where am I heading to?

School pride

2006-09-17T19:05:00.000-07:00

Ironically, I only came to enjoy them now that I'm an alumna. For the past 4 years, I knew that they had been bagging (& bragging) about being champions of the UAAP Cheerdance Competition, besting other universities, being consistent with their flawless moves, awesome stunts, breathtaking flips & tosses, amazing mix of songs.

As I have been busily browsing thorugh different forums, reading other people's viewpoints/comments/reactions about their performance this year (even sarcastic ones coming from the students of their rival university), it was the best. Going at youtube, it had the most number of views, "favorited" and commented (both good & not-so-good ones, coming from students of that other university - sigh. why can't they good sports? such a shame!)

Admittedly, I can't help but watch their routine over & over again, hear their music, chant with the audience even if the competition had been long done. I don't know why this spirit of school pride just came now, after I had bid farewell to my alma mater last April 29, 2006 (our day of graduation). I can't help feel regret that I did not enjoy what was there when I was still a student, nor I was able to watch any of their routines when I was still part of it.

Even if I got my degree in Medicine last April, I know that the Thomasian in me will be here to stay.

Go USTe!

A Doctor Is Also a Human Being

2006-09-14T05:35:00.000-07:00

Nowadays, nobody's perfect.. Yep! Even doctors.

For the past 2 days, I had viral illness, prompting me to miss my duties at the hospital (even the activities of being on 24 hr duty). My symptoms - fever, headache, body malaise, cough & colds, hoarseness. In short, the typical flu-like symptoms. My signs - congested pharynx but thanks to the lozenges I've been taking since monday night, the congestion was short-lived. My diagnosis: systemic viral illness (SVI). No need for any antibiotics at this time. Thankfully, I didn't had any rashes, nor bleeding episodes, nor abdominal pain (except when I was hungry. Haha!), nor passage of any dark colored stools. Or else, I would be having dengue and God knows where I will be admitted to. Fortunately, my fever's gone now, and I'm back into action tomorrow.

As usual, I'll face the consequences of my absence today. I asked one of my groupmates to go on duty today to cover for me. As for my part, I'll go on duty tomorrow and on sunday. Unless, some miracle will happen on my favor (which I believe will not actually happen. Asa pa ako, no?) The monitors know my duty schedule since I already informed them about it so that they won't worry who's going to be on duty today & tomorrow.

I hope I'll be able to handle the pressure tomorrow. I hope my body can handle the stress. I hope my mind can fight the emotional & psychological pain.

Good luck to me! I need it.

From Duty..

2006-09-06T00:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's tour of duty was so far, the best, most accomplished, most productive I've done since I started my internship. Though I know I still have flaws in the way I endorsed our patients this morning, I feel I have done great since it was I who made the rounds. After the mock endorsements at midnight (before my residents rested & told us to sleep for a while), I went back to check on our patient's antibiotics (if they have one), assessed the outputs (urobag, Jackson-Pratt drain, thorabottle, colostomy bag), read doctors' orders, reviewed the charts for any plans of operations, looked through the results of different ancillary procedures done. I didn't receive any commendation verbally but I saw one of the residents on duty last night nodding his head, as if telling me that I really did my rounds well. I liked my post yesterday.

On my next duty on friday (hmm. which reminds me, it's also my birthday!), I'll be on a different post. Hopefully, I'll have the same enthusiasm with the way I do my rounds like yesterday, or even better. And that the way I endorse the patients on saturday will be the same, or even greater. So that, I could earn their trust.

Hope I could handle the pressure.

When the Skies Opened

2006-09-04T19:01:00.000-07:00

The skies opened up it's fury last night for more than 1 hour. It did not happen just once, but twice. With strong winds, thunder, and lightning, it was the perfect setting to sleep all night long. Never mind the soap operas, reality shows, tv series, movies they'll miss. As long as they know their dry, safe, well rested, they're fine. But that didn't happen to me.

I was persistent on having a good time with friends last night, looking for a way to unwind. We agreed to meet early so that we can leave early. However, rain poured heavily along the way. It was still pouring hard when our group was finally complete. By the time we got to Tomas Morato, we were hungry because of the heavy traffic due to flooded streets. Made me worried how Dapitan was then. We got on our ways separately between 10-11 pm. Unfortunately, it started raining again. The traffic was horrible. The streets were flooded. Light cars can not pass, including taxis. Left with no choice, I walked through the flooded waters (yikes! ewww!). Many commuters were doing the same thing so I thought "might as well go with the flow". After 30 minutes, I was at the dorm room, drying up, washing my legs heavily with alcohol, praying that I didn't had any open wounds (or else, I get leptospirosis). Somehow, I regret what I did & the consequences it did - slept late, spent a lot of money, broke a nice sandal (sorry mom!), and lied.

Tsk tsk..

i'm back..

2006-09-04T18:13:00.000-07:00

Many things have happened since I began my internship, since I stepped into the lobby of Manila Doctors Hospital - learned a lot clinically & academically (I did?!) speaking, made a lot of mistakes (almost always. hehe!), made a lot of acquaintances (no enemies. hey! I already reconciled with him. 'nuf of that), lost a significant # of hours of sleep, failed to catch good movies on the big screen, disappointed some non-medical friends, and yes, ignored my honey's calls many times (thankfully, he knows why). In short, I was pretty busy. Well, it was so damn obvious, isn't it?

I spent my June under Pediatrics. I abhored the way they conducted their endorsements every morning. It takes about 3-4 hours on the average because of the "stories" and interruptions made by anyone who walks into the door of the office. Sometimes, they aren't done with their rounds yet that we have to wait for them impatiently. Talk about obedience to the time. Then, there goes the frequent calls/paging to the wards, the calls of consultants asking for updates or anything else under the sun regarding their patients or something else. Sometimes, going to the out-patient department or delivery room (to catch a baby) becomes a blessing-in-disguise/excuse for me to get outta there. But in other aspects, it was okay for me. Too bad I'm not done with it yet. I'm going back there May 2007 to finish my 2nd month. Am I excited for it? Heck no!

My first real (meaning, I spent entire 2 months) rotation was at OB-Gyne from July to August. One of our groupmates in Pediatrics separated from us. So we were just 5. A new intern joined us just for a 24-hour duty with me. Unfortunately, she quit (& so did her bf). So we had no choice but to revise our schedule and be on "sliding" - go on a 24-hr duty every other day (damn! it was so damn tiring!). Come mid-July, someone introduced himself to us as our new groupmate. He made his courtesy call & we oriented him. Unfortunately (again!), he quit on his first day. Rumors say that his girlfriend decided first to quit & he just followed her. We just accepted the fact that we will be on sliding for 1 month. By August, a co-intern was transferred from the minors rotation to our group. We were relieved that we will officially (totoo na talaga 'to) go on a "every 3 days" duty rotation. And so it did.

There was an incident during the 1st few weeks. I was at the out-patient department & we were almost done. A tall guy approached me (I didn't know that he was a surgery resident) & told me that he has a patient with me for gynecologic consult. The timing was wrong - we were seeing obstetric patients then. But still we entertained them. But before that, I was told coldly I'd see the patient & told them to sit for a while. The impact on him was bad. (I know! I regret doin it & acting that way). Few days passed & I was surprised to hear rumors about me & my attitude - that a surgery resident is cursing & threatening me about insubordination & being nastily cold (Is this the right term for "masungit"? Help!). At first, I kept on denying but I later realized I really did it. Instead of chasing after him when the issue was still hot, I decided to let it pass for a while (make others realize that the issue's gone) & talk to him when I'm on surgery. Thankfully, I made the right decision. I also got an advice from a good friend on how to approach him (make "lambing", but how?) We talked about it during our previous duty and we are ok now. I think.

Honestly, I can't say if I did enjoy my rotation here. I felt more of a clerk/"utusan" rather than an intern because of the numerous tasks we did (most of the time not related to what we learned during our formal schooling). Sure, I learned to read a partograph, performed PE, speculum exam & internal exam to our out patients, assist at different procedures. And that's it. I suddenly missed my Fabella days of delivering babies, even if I won't take this during my Residency training. As they say, save the best (year) for last. I'm happy I finished 2 months. I'm relieved I'm done with it. I'm glad it's over. Hopefully, I won't come back there. Keeping my fingers crossed, I don't have any make ups (since I didn't have any absences and I have merits). Hehe!

Presently, I'm at Surgery. We are still at our 1st 2 weeks and I'd say I'm still on the adjustment stage. Everytime I hear anything that involes my past rotation makes me jump out of my seat. It takes a while before the thought sinks that I'm in a new department now. Well, it takes some getting used to. Not to forget, I'm more laxed now (isn't it obvious? I'm blogging! :p). Another, getting our patient's history & PE is lighter. So far, I'm having a blast! Besides, the Operating Room is more well lit, livelier than the Delivery Room. I get to do my own rounds in the evenings (when I'm on duty), at my own pace. Hopefully, I just don't get interrupted by any calls from the ER, floors, or even at the OR. Anyhow, this is where the real action is. If I'm not skinny, I'd choose Surgery over Internal Medicine for my residency. But who knows? One of the Surg residents is a skinny (well, I'd say slim but just to point out that she's not medium built either) female. Maybe, I could do it too.

Well, we'll see.

More to come. When? Don't know. Have no idea.

Bukas na!

2006-05-31T01:07:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, I'll be a medical intern (again)..

Well ever since this month I was an intern.. That is, at a different hospital (but in a weird environment.. That's why I filed for leave).. For more than 3 weeks, I rested here at home.. Waiting for a chance to start anew.. Finally, it did came..

Pediatrics - I thought I wanted to be a pediatrician.. That's why I took the role of being the leader during our clerkship rotation.. I knew the responsibilities, carried all the burden, took action.. Thankfully, my groupmates saw that I was responsible, good, cautious.. (They told me that during our retreat last November in Tagaytay).. After going through it for 2 months, I had 2nd thoughts.. Hmm.. Maybe, somewhere else.. Actually, I don't know..

Oh well, so help me God..

Finally..

2006-05-29T02:20:00.000-07:00

Finally, our prayers were answered.. Finally, our letters came.. Finally, we can choose again our hospital for post-graduate internship.. Finally, we're released from JRRMMC..

Thankfully, we got our letters last friday.. I went to their office in Quezon City in a haste, hoping to be there before 1 pm.. My heart was beating so loudly when the letter was handed to me..

Unfortunately, they (the committee on internship) reprimanded me - I resume my internship starting July 1, 2006 (until June 30, 2007). looking ahead, I'll just have 1 month for review.. how on earth am i gonna do that?.. Fortunately, we can disobey that reprimand, we can start earlier than it.. Of course, if our new hospital will allow it.. Hoping for an open slot, I made my risk of writing down the name "Manila Doctors Hospital" in my application form.. Keeping my fingers crossed, battling hunger, I went there..

Thankfully, they accepted me and agreed that I start on thursday, June 1 (1 month earlier than what was told to me).. I was given additional papers for processing and I was able to abide them all this morning.. I was also informed of my 1st rotation - Pediatrics.. Well, I thought I was rotating through the Minors first but was immediately changed.. Sayang!.. Hehehe!..

Since I was already there (& know that when I go back there, it's gonna be on June 1), I agreed to be oriented.. I went to the Pedia office, met some of the residents & 1 of my co-interns (who happens to be my 3rd yr groupmate, Owie) & learned their activities, rules, dress codes.. I asked my post on June 1 but Dra. DeLa Rosa wasn't certain yet.. According to her, the schedule will change.. Ok.. Maybe I'll call 'em on wednesday or better yet, ask Owie instead..

I can't hardly wait to start on thursday.. I hope I won't start immediately being on 24 hr duty post.. hehe!

Regrets

2006-05-24T03:10:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I haven't posted here..

Last March, I told my parents I planned to undo something before it was too late. I planned to change hospitals for my post-graduate internship from Jose R Reyes Memorial Medical Center to Santo Tomas University Hospital (or somewhere else). But I was pressured to stay, even called "lazy" because of that planned move. Defeated, I decided to let it pass, give the hospital a chance.

May 2 came and the moment I stepped in, I disliked it, had the feeling I wasn't going to last long. And I didn't. I filed for petition for withdrawal the following day but was disapproved. I tried 3x and they were all disapproved. My parents & I even talked with the medical director. I hoped I will be given my release paper but wasn't.

Coincidentally, there was an exodus of interns from that hospital. I wasn't the only one leaving. Eventually, the hospital submitted our names to the Association of Philippine Medical Schools (APMC) almost 2 weeks ago. The agency told us to write letters stating our reasons for leaving, dislikes, complaints about the hospital. There was going to be a committee meeting on the 22nd to discuss our issues.

May 22 arrived and I was hoping to get a response from 'em. They said they will give us letters individually. Each letter contains condition/s decided upon by the committee members themselves (which is beyond the control of the employees of APMC). The letters will be released either the following day or within 2 days. I waited patiently & anxiously. When I called again, we were told to wait 2 more days or until the next week coz the letters weren't done yet & the director was sick. It just kept my anxiety and agony longer.

I'm tired waiting. Why do they always keep us waiting when it's our future career that they are holding back from us? Why can't they let us decided for ourselves? Don't they know or realize that we have our own schedules to keep track into?

I wasted almost 1 month for nothing. I came to realize that I can't take the boards by August 2007 because of time constraints for the review. Provided that I pass the local licensure exams on my first take come February 2008, take the Residency Program (whatever my specialization will be) by December, I'm already 29 then! Quite old for a typical 1st year resident. This doesn't matter much if I was a male. Heck! I'm a female!

I don't know what I'll do if the judgement upon me is to wait further. Everyone knows that I am excited and anxious to get back into the hospital. Everyone knows that I am dedicated to my profession. Everyone knows I dream to be a good, competent, compassionate doctor. But why is it that some have to decide for me, control me?

Maybe I should have stood up for my decision last March. I should have convinced them that service could be given elsewhere, not just at JR. It's my career, my dream. Not theirs nor any one else's. I don't have the heart to be at JR.

I don't know what's worse - staying at JR even if I'm not enjoying what I'm doing there, or wasting time.

Bittersweet

2005-12-14T23:58:00.000-08:00

sorry for my very late post..

today was our last day at Jose Fabella Memorial Hospital, a public maternity hospital in the heart of Manila. in the beginning, i was anxious & scared coz i thought i was not going to enjoy it. looking back now, i laughed at it. well, i laughed at myself. honestly, leaving the place (& realizing that it was our last day) was bittersweet for me. i had fun with my resident, my co-clerks, the skills i learned (which i was not able to at STUH honestly speaking). on the other hand, i was relieved i am not gonna see their "jungle" ward, a very demanding team leader/senior resident (who demanded that we have a grand duty), & i dont have to wake up at 5:30 am just to finish my daily progress notes for our many patients.

as they say, treasure every moment.

i'm sure i did.

Fabella

2005-11-06T15:40:00.000-08:00

This is the reality at Jose Fabella Memorial Hospital, when i rotated there on mid-october during our Pediatrics rotation (UST is the only school who has rotation under that department, aside from Obstetrics). 5 (the most 6) neonates squeezed together in 1 bassinet. Fortunately for them (& for us, as well) they don't stay in the bassinets long. As soon as we make sure they're ok (through PE & Ballard scoring), the residents order "for rooming in". Otherwise, they will be admitted at the Neonatal ICU for observation and further investigation (just in case). Fortunate for me, I was able to extract blood from a neonate - something which we (as clerks) were not able to do at USTH. It was something for my advantage & learning, definitely.

Something I just don't like with Fabella is that some mothers are forced to undergo tubal ligation (or any other family planning method) even against their wishes, to the point that they won't be discharged unless they do so. Hmm.. Against human rights and human dignity as well. And they also perform completion curettage for induced abortions. Eeew!

Within 2 weeks (I'm not pretty sure about this), I'll be at Fabella again but now under the service of Obstetrics. Hopefully, I'll be able to maintain my calmness, patience (up to the wee hours of the morning when I'm already "low batt" or "empty batt") and care for the patients.

Of Lates, Demerits, Failure to Carry Out Orders, Insubordination...

2005-10-09T22:32:00.000-07:00

It all started last wednesday, October 5 when I almost forgot about the residents' audit and made a sudden announcement to the group while the audit was taking place. I almost ran to the room & found that it had not started yet. Well, they were waiting for us clerks. I didn't know that the consultants already reprimanded the residents for our misconduct. The audit came by & there were just 7 of us who attended. After an hour, the residents approached me and asked "Asan ung iba nyong kasama? Bakit pito lang kayo?" I admitted my announcement was very late & it was my fault. But 1 of them (actually almost all of them) told me that it wasn't my entire fault coz by then (3rd week) we should already be familiar with the ward schedule and that audits are also for our learning. After 20 minutes of getting back into the ward, we were all summoned by the junior residents. We were all reprimanded because for it. They even brought up the issue that only 2 of us had their slides checked for our supposedly admitting conference last monday. We were dismissed feeling dismayed about ourselves. Then after 4 hrs., the clerks monitor called us all. He marked us all as "late" for that day - even those who attended. To make my day even worse, I found out that I had 1 day demerit for not submitting a copy of the drug index on time. Great! My motivation went down the drain, my drive suddenly disappeared and I asked myself "What's going on? How come I'm failing to do what I should do?"

I hoped and prayed to do well this time (even in the last week) at the Nursery. Even if it wasn't my patient, I carried out orders. Even if I wasn't the "runner", I did it for the sake that things will be less complicated. But this morning I made a very huge mistake again - I failed to include 3 lab exams. I realized my mistake when the nurse questioned our residents. Frantic, I made the request and gave it immediately to the father. Unfortunately, they couldn't afford it anymore. When I handed the request, the nurse was there & the other labs were already paid for. Instead of asking the opinion of the residents (on what labs to prioritize), I followed the nurse. I made a cancellation letter and when the resident read it, she questioned me on who made that decision. I made an alibi that it was the reason why the neonate stayed longer in the nursery & made my apology. She just said "ok" and I went to the laboratory and back to fix things. Because of it, I missed my co-clerk's report. Shame! It was for my learning.

My body's suffering from all kinds of stress - physical, psychological, intellectual, social, spiritual. I don't know what kind/course of action I should do to have enough rest and confidence to make me inspired, motivated, have the drive again to finish the remaining 6 months. I know it will be a big shame to quit at this time (& what good will it do?). Yet, I can't help fight the feeling that I am truly burned-out, depressed, robotic, unconfident in what I've been doing for the last days (God knows if it was longer than that).

So far, the possible (& most sensible, I think) option I have is to file for a leave of absence (LOA). The risk is the fact that I may not be able to graduate on time because of the make-up days I have to fill in. Yet with the number of demerits I have (at this point I have no idea but as they say "expect the unexpected" & even if I don't push through with filing for an LOA), I will still fail to fulfill the requirements for graduation.

What a life!

frustrated

2005-09-09T22:12:00.000-07:00

september 8, 2005

it was a special day for me - it was my birthday. i got a lot of birthday greetings from my co-clerks, residents, family members, and friends ever since the stroke of midnight. but i was waiting for a greeting - a call - from someone very special to me (which he promised 1 week before). unfortunately, i did not receive it. there was no call. knowing the difference in time zones, i really did understood & waited patiently until the time i learned that it was already a new date in his place. frustrated, i sent him text messages expressing to him my frustration & disapointment. all i got was a 3 sentence-email from him, sent on that very same day. i can't help but wonder if he really does care for me, or even bother to call me (even just for a very brief time) to greet me? is he really preoccupied with work that he took my feelings for granted? is he really that broke that he can't afford to buy a phone card so that he could talk with me? what and who has changed?

now i'm beginning to wonder if our relationship will really work. it's been more than 2 weeks since we last talked over the phone & i'm beginning to feel bleak with our frequent exchange of emails.

he just doesn't realize that i miss hearing his voice, his laughter, his concern.

i may have high expectations from him but what i was yearning for (as a highlight of that day) did not come.

is this what really happens in a long-distance relationship?

Lost and Confused

2005-09-02T22:06:00.000-07:00

I had many career opportunities way back 2002, wherein I had the chance to practice my profession as a Physical Therapist both here and out of the country. But I all turned them down (well, not all of 'em) for the sake of pursuing medical education. Aside from that, someone close to me (back then) did not want me to leave the country & I easily get home-sicked. Staying at Cavite for almost 4 years was hurtful, what more if I'm somewhere else?

But then, in the middle of my clerkship (the final year of my medical education), I begin to wonder if I did make the right choice? If I let those rare opportunities pass me by without really thinking? (Did I allow myself to be used by someone else for his own sake? Nah! Enough of that sour-graping!)

I wanted to practice in the USA (since the curriculum is similar). On the other hand, US is saturated with filipino doctors training to be good (& competent specialists). I already inquired at ISCEC-Kaplan regarding USMLE (which costs P41,000 just for the Step 1). Besides, if I ever decide to have a family then, I don't think I will reckon their culture for my children's wellbringing.

A part of me wants to practice instead in the UK because there are less filipino doctors & more opportunities for medical research. (Well of course, my "honey" is there also). Unfortunately, I have less researches done which could pull my credentials down. Besides the fact that I was just an average student. And living there is so costly!

I wanted to leave the country with the goal of working as a Physical therapist before I aim to be a doctor (of that country, wherever that maybe). My problem - work experience. I just had half a year of experience and our clinical supervisor is already based in the US. The clinic where I used to work at is now owned by a school.

Why is it that whatever I do or choose to do (in my life) has always this obstacle which I can't overcome? There's always this factor that stops me from pursuing it? Or am i just too lazy or pessimistic in giving up all the way from the very beginning that I don't realize I have the capability of doing so?

I'm lost & confused. You know where I could ask for directions?

Until Then

2005-08-08T15:10:00.000-07:00

"Good night! Good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow."
- Romeo and Juliet

He was scheduled to leave last saturday, August 6 at 11:55 pm (or 23:55) via Emirates to UK. I planned to meet him 7 hours before his plane takes off, or should I say 4 hours before he checks-in at the airport. I wanted to cry and stop him from leaving the country (& me, as well). But what can I do? He works there to earn a living & to start something for ourselves.

Thankfully, he was able to re-schedule his flight for another 24 hours -- just to spend time with me. We were both happy and obviously madly in love with each other. We didn't wanna talk nor think about parting coz it will both make us cry. We just wanted to make most out of our time. It was the best and most memorable moments of my life. Every second of it, we did cherish it.

But time flew so fast. Before we knew it, we were on our way to the airport and I was holding up my tears. At the ramp going to the departure area of NAIA, I couldn't stop 'em anymore. We hugged each other tight and vowed that we will always love each other.

On my way back to my dorm, I was silently praying to God. (What prayer is that? It's just between me and Him.)

I can hardly wait when we'll be seeing each other again.

A Week Left

2005-07-30T15:04:00.000-07:00

It's gonna be august on monday.. another month gone by, another month comes in.. next thing we know, it's already christmas season.. time flies by so fast..

yes it sure is! he has 1 week left in the country. but before that, he's going to celebrate his birthday on wednesday (yehey! advance happy birthday!). a while ago, i thought of going to daraga by bus tonight (coz i was not in the mood of going home and to avoid 1 of my sisters because of her immaturity last week) just to see & spend time w/ him and his family. unfortunately, i have lots to do this weekend - tons of clothes for laundry (should be clean by sunday night since i'm gonna be at bulacan again next week), i have to be at school by 7 am on monday, and dad's arrival from guam tomorrow morning. i couldn't think of any alibis on not going home to las pinas.

long distance relationships are so tough! it really takes strong faith, enduring trust, and never ending love for it to survive. but i'm pretty confident we'll overcome this. by the time we're together, we'll be the happiest people alive on earth.

Internship

2005-07-27T21:40:00.000-07:00

the applications are already here. i've already asked and paid for 2 copies of my transcript of records.

i'm now thinking of 3 possible hospitals to go to after april 2006. well, keeping my fingers crossed that i pass revalida and graduate on time. those 3 are Medical City, UP-PGH, and NKTI.

presently, i consider myself as a neophyte or baby at the hospital. since only 2 of the hospitals are non-teaching, i am beginning to wonder if i can really face the challenges of deciding (for my patients) on my own, without the close supervision of a resident, and the existence of (gulp!) litigation issues.

i'm having butterflies in my stomach.

our song

2005-07-16T20:09:00.000-07:00

How Did You Know

I remember so well
The day that you came into my life
You asked for my name
You had the most beautiful smile
My life started to change
I'd wake up each day feeling alright
With you right by my side
Makes me feel things will work out just fine

How did you know
I needed someone like you in my life
That there was an empty space in my heart
You came at the right time in my life
I'll never forget
How you brought the sun to shine in my life
And took all the worries and fears that I had
I guess what I'm really trying to say
It's not everyday that someone like you comes my way
No words can express how much I love you

missing him still

2005-07-16T14:30:00.000-07:00

the clock is ticking.. time is flying so fast..

he has 2 weeks left in the country.. then, he's off to UK..

we barely see each other.. last time we met was on the last week of may and first few days of june.. worse, i was assigned then at the "most toxic" rotation of medical clerkship (which is internal medicine).. i had this risk not to go to the hospital just for 1 day to be with him - on his last day here in manila before he goes home to bicol.. but i can't.. conscious dictates me i have to be there by 7 am for two good reasons - one, we're presenting a case later that day, and we're on 24-hr duty.. the following morning, he was on his way to bicol by plane.. i fought my tears.. i don't want to cry (in front of many people inside the ER).. i was in pain..

for almost two months, we've been talking through texts and calls.. just like before.. no change.. (well, except for the fact that we're on the same time zones there was no reason for me to do simple arithmetic..).. we've been yearning for each other's company a lot.. dreaming for the moments when we'll be together again.. cheesy as it may sound but don't blame us.. we're madly in love with each other.. come to think of it, we already thought of the big M.. if ever he asks me 1 very important question, i won't hesitate in giving my sweet reply..

it's very unfortunate for the both of us that we'll spend fewer moments together on the day of his departure (august 6).. starting tomorrow, i'm assigned somewhere at san jose del monte, bulacan 'till august 15.. we go there from school monday morning and head back saturday afternoon.. so how many hours are we left with?.. how many hours is he required to be in the airport prior to the departure time of his plane?.. damn!.. this really sucks!..

how i wish farnborough and manila are just kilometers away..

sigh...

electives

2005-07-02T19:10:00.000-07:00

i'm on my 3rd week of elective rotation now.

first, it was family medicine. it was an extension of medicine out patient department but the cases were lighter - ranging from simple colds to low back pain. the residents were lax, and so was the time. yet it was so advanced by 25 minutes. meaning, i had to be at the hospital by 6:40 (on my watch) just to time-in (using that oh-so-weird clock). but after that, i can go out and have my breakfast. as early as 11, we are dismissed for our lunch break. as early as 4, we can leave for the day. simple as that! no worries..

then, it was psychiatry. i was startled, anxious, scared to talk to patients for the first time, esp on the first day. our task was simple - get the mental status exam and that's it! for the rest of the day, listen to lectures, attend conferences, go to the OPD. as days went by, i found it amazing to converse with them (even if my goal was to assess their mental state for the day). i don't feel pity for them. instead, i learned their human beings looking for someone to talk to, to understand them, to listen to them even if their thought process and content is so out of this world, irrelevant to their intellectual capacity. i can't wait when i go to my regular rotation here sometime next year.

now i'm on rehabilitation medicine. supposedly this should be an easy one for me considering that my pre-med was physical therapy. surprisingly, i found myself adjusting, being bombarded by lots of paperworks, stuffs to study. weird eh? maybe because i almost forgot the practice since i was absorbed in my medical studies for more than 3 years now. oh well, there's always time and room to refresh myself and review the concepts. it's just 8 days anyway.

next week will be radiology. i wonder how's it gonna be..

missing him

2005-06-18T13:03:00.000-07:00

we finally met last may 29, 2005 and it was one of the best moments of my life. never mind the fact that he's disabled because of his injury; i'm thankful he's alive and he's back at home. during his 4 day stay here in manila, i was with him provided that i wasn't on duty. i even thought of skipping one day of duty work, just to be with him.. that day was his 2nd to the last, but i was on duty. nuts! parting was so painful. the following day, he flew to bicol.

we communicate through text messages and calls. it's not enough. i want his physical presence beside me. i'm longing for our sweet exchanges and our time together. i'm dreaming of his voice, smile, and touch.

i miss him.

his homecoming 2

2005-06-01T21:30:00.000-07:00

finally, he arrived home last friday night via emirates.. he was supposedly scheduled to arrive earlier but what the heck?.. i didn't mind meeting him up at the airport.. i didn't mind meeting him almost every day (provided that i wasn't on duty that day).. yet, parting was such sweet sorrow.. i had a hard time saying "see you later" to him.. even if i was somewhere else, my mind was with him.. at the end, i was so eager & excited to see him again.. the scenario was that i was the one going to his place most of the time, instead of the other way around.. heck!.. it doesn't matter!.. he was handicapped temporarily because of his injury.. i don't wanna think or risk him having another one just because of me.. yesterday's parting was the most painful for me.. i didn't want to leave him.. i felt like taking a 1 day break from hospital work, but we were on duty.. he left for bicol this morning.. i know he's enjoying himself there right now in the company of family, relatives & friends.. he's well taken cared of.. he deserves it..

i'm counting the days when he'll be here again..

prayers

2005-05-18T18:20:00.000-07:00

he had his major operation for his comminuted fracture just yesterday, after recovering from chicken pox (etiologic agent: varicella zoster virus). ever since he called me last night, i still have no word from him. maybe, he's still in the recovery room or at the surgical icu sedated under the effects of his anesthesia (if he's given general anesthesia, that is). how i wish i was there with him. even if i stayed outside the doors of the operating room, i don't care. even if the surgery took place for 6 hours, i'll wait patiently.

as for now, all i can do is pray for him.

damn! i miss him..

his homecoming

2005-05-14T22:08:00.000-07:00

he was supposed to come home this month - for me & for us.. everything was ready & i was also ready for him.. unfortunately, his homecoming had to be postponed for a while.. he had a minor accident on his way to work 1 morning.. how i wish i was there to take care of him, be at his side, give him comfort but i can't.. i'm miles away, and so is he.. if only i could fly to be there..

he's always in my thoughts and prayers.. hoping that his homecoming will be very soon..

thankful

2005-05-11T20:49:00.000-07:00

thank goodness i'm used to all the pain, sacrifices of being a medical clerk now. my past tears were because of my immaturity and unpreparedness for accepting the reality of being a doctor, my excuse. my illusions of a person in a white coat with a stethoscope around her neck and a chart on 1 arm is still there, yet there are many more obstacles and hardships along the way before i see that. now, i'm thankful i didn't lay down my torch & say "i quit!" and leave everything behind.

thankful also that in my last ER duty (w/c was last night), the cases were all benign, no critical care. though tiring, the satisfaction was there - to interview and perform my PE, treat or observe them, then send them home. in a way, i was able to lend a helping hand to a complete stranger.

i pray that this optimistic attitude stays with me, till the end.

entirely my fault

2005-04-30T17:50:00.000-07:00

he was my 2nd new patient for today.. hoping, i'll get my 2nd signature for our teaching form.. he was the last patient of the day.. yet it was already quarter to 1.. everyone was in a hurry to leave, including me coz i was so anxious to go home (after two weeks)..

i was left behind at the medicine opd.. i did my patient's prescription, i wrote the requests.. except for 1 - the lipid profiles.. i even suggested that in black and white.. damn!.. i'm so stupid!.. worse, i dont know when the patient will come back for follow up.. my only choice is hopefully to catch him tomorrow when he goes there (that is, if he decides to do those tests in the CD) in order to give him the additional lab requests, or if he already did tell the technicians to include it in the result forms.. otherwise, demerits are inevitable.. question is, for how many days?.. praying that they're the only demerits i'll be getting in my entire 2 month stay at Medicine..

wish i could turn back time..

still adjusting

2005-04-26T18:06:00.000-07:00

i'm still having problems in terms of the schedule. it's so fast! imagine being stuck at the hospital for 32 hours. then you'll be there for another 8 hours. the following day, you'll be on duty again.. hay!.. no wonder i'm disoriented when it comes to the specific day of the week. i barely notice that it's sunday unless someone mentions about going to mass on that day. well that's something i look forward to (that is, if i'm not on duty) - the weekends are just spent 4-5 hours at the hospital.

how i wish there's a 1-day (as in 24 hours) rest for all of us. this is so physically, psychologically, financially draining.

tired

2005-04-20T19:23:00.000-07:00

i only slept 2 hours for the last 48 hours. imagine!

man! i wanna go to bed, wake up two days from now.

unfortunately, i have something very important to do. i don't know how to call it though - work or passion?

u decide.

from duty

2005-04-17T13:45:00.000-07:00

yesterday was our very 1st 24 hour duty.. grabe!.. ganito pala ang pakiramdam pag kagaling dun - u have this urge to crawl to your bed or anywhere you can rest your tired body.. thankfully, may double decks sa other half ng clerks and interns room.. by past 1, almost all lower beds were occupied so i had no choice but to lie on the upper beds.. ah basta!.. pagod na ako at ndi ko na talaga kaya.. so, for the entire duration of our rotation at Medicine, ganito ang mangyayari.. hmm.. benign pa ako sa lagay na 'to (since wala pang naka-deck na pasyente sa akin at stable naman ang mga VS ng mga external alternates ko) pano pa kaya pag may (mga) pasyente na ako?

off topic: my shoutbox is not working.. waah!

ganito pala..

2005-04-15T20:57:00.000-07:00

april 15, 2005 - today is our first day at the STUH Clinical division Medicine ward.. our first day as medical clerks..

last night i started studying the cases assigned to our teams. unfortunately, i just studied 1 (Acute Gastroenteritis secondary to Entameoba histolytica). by 11, i was already dead tired & damn sleepy. i promised myself to get up at 3:30 am to continue my study. unfortunately, i got up at 4, studied some of DM and DKA. 6:30 i was at the clerks' room. ok. here we go...

teaching rounds were nice (sorry sa sobrang pagod ko, i'm running out of words but i guess gets nyo naman di ba?) though it was tiring coz we were just standing for more than 2 hours. by 10, it was our ward work - VS, lab requests follow ups, etc.

"mayday!" i got alarmed and frightened that my external alternate might be at the ER at that time. since i didn't know where she is, i went down (thankfully, i didn't had a patient) to the ER & see if she is there and needs help. well, she wasn't decked yet at the ER. but it's better to be there than to be given demerits for being absent (the rules were still weren't clear to me so just to be sure than sorry). after 3 minutes, i heard 1 of the interns say "ok na!". thank goodness! our very first mayday on the first day. at 11 am, i was already starving.

came 12-1, we were all relieved to have our lunch. 1-2 pm, i was so drowsy, sleepy & already tired. clerks' hour finished at around 2:30. immediately, i helped my teammate w/ her patient. i was surprised to see another patient (at the same room w/ my teammate's but on a different bed) intubated w/ mechanical ventilator. supposedly that patient should be at the ICU. i asked the CICs why he's there. they said there was a DNAR (do not attempt resuscitation) order from the patient's wife. 30-40 minutes after, we heard a shout - "mayday!" i wasn't surprised to learn that it was that particular patient who was having cardiopulmonary arrest. since i wasn't part of the mayday team that day, i went back to the clerks' room.

after 20 minutes, i learned that the patient expired. the wife was crying hysterically for she lost the only breadwinner in their family. i felt sorry for the wife and their kids.

our team wasn't "on duty" for today (tomorrow, we'll be). but i left at past 6 coz we fixed and rearranged our cabinets and organized them.

this is just the 1st day.. i wonder what else will happen..

anxiety.. nervousness.. uncertainty.. fear

2005-04-12T21:05:00.000-07:00

tension within me is starting to build up, uncertainty arising, fear of what is and about to come and happen in the next 12 months. tomorrow is our orientation - clerkship orientation.

from there on, it's all up to me, my clinical skills, my relationship with my patients, my decision making. my career will take on another course - from classroom to hospital wards, from professors to patients (& their families), from made up (or hypothetical cases) to real life situations, from make believe to reality, i'm now dealing with the real thing, i'm handling real lives. making mistakes is part of learning but it should be based on my academic level, not on the level of a freshman medical student since i'll utilize what i've learned for the last 3 years. and not to forget time management. i know i'll be bombarded with 3 (or more) patients coming in all in 1 moment, doing my history taking and PE in a limited time, submitting tons of paperworks within strictly 24 hours i doubt if i'll have time for rest.

it's really all up to me. to us, students. this is for our own good! we chose this path. deal w/ it.

Good luck and God bless to all of us members of UST Faculty of Medicine & Surgery Class 2006!

enrollment

2005-04-11T23:40:00.000-07:00

another busy day for me for it was our last day of enrollment..

i planned to enroll in the afternoon, hoping that the line will be shorter, processing will be faster - everything will be a breeze. by 10 am, i texted 1 of my friends asking how it was going. she said it was a big mess coz the computer system broke down and almost all colleges were in the admin. fortunately, some have already finished w/ their enrollment. i hastily left for school at around 10:30. i arrived there 12 noon. tsk tsk! oh well, might as well get busy fixing my stuff at my new dorm.

by quarter to 2, i was in line w/ my friends at the Main Building. after an hour, we were almost done. we just had to wait for our registration forms since they were gonna encode it. we were told to wait and get back at 4 pm to claim our own respective forms. patiently, we waited while we saw some of our classmates (who was at school in the morning) claim their forms. getting anxious and irritated (coz what we were waiting for was just a half sheet of paper from the Accounting office stating we have been officially enrolled for the 1st quarter blah blah blah), we attempted many times asking for our forms but they weren't still done.

after waiting for 1 1/2 hrs., it finally came! thank goodness! we made a run to our admin office, hoping that someone from the admin was still there to accept our forms. luckily, we got there just in time. i was surprised that what she claimed from us was just that piece of paper which kept our enrollment time long (yeah, that half sheet of bond paper from the Accounting) as financial proof. i'm just glad that my mission for that day was done - to enroll myself.

from now on (till i graduate next year), i'm officially a medical clerk. yikes!

very tiring day

2005-04-09T23:41:00.000-07:00

last night i planned to wake up at 6:30 am today to fix my things for the transfer of my things from my old dorm to the new one. i set that at 8 am, we'll be sorting out those that i will still use, and those i don't need anymore. unfortunately, there were problems all the way from the beginning - i woke up at 7:20 am, and we left Las Pinas at around past 8.

i could say that my tito had a difficult time transferring my things (especially on carrying that heavy furniture all the way to the 4th floor, with no elevator). he just didn't compain about it coz he said he wanted to help me on moving. it took us more than 4 hours packing, placing them in big boxes, carrying some appliances. we were all exhausted, starving, thirsty, dirty. we ordered take-out from McDonald's at around quarter to 1 and we all ate like pigs (haha!). we decided to leave Karenza Place at quarter to 2 but we still had something to buy on our way home - grandma's unicheck strips (for her blood sugar monitoring). luckily, i purchased it in less than 10 minutes. finally, it was time to head home.

as soon as i got home, i went straight to my room, grabbed my towel and headed for the shower room. i was so relieved to freshen up and wipe out all those damn oil and perspiration in me. i was even glad to change into fresh clean clothes. i remember i had an appointment to a salon for my hair relax. i had to go there right away so that i could be back before 6 pm (for an anticipated mass). guiltily, i left my tito while he brought down some of my stuff from the van. bad girl eh?

by 5:30 pm, i was back at home proud of my new 'do. 30 minutes later, i was getting ready for mass w/ my youngest sis. we came back quarter to 8 and i arrived w/ food prepared at our dining table. after that heavy meal, i was off again - this time to the hospital to visit my dad even if for a while. the sight of a cake from red ribbon caught my eye and i was eating my heart's content to an ube cake. burp! pardon me! hehe! at 9:15 pm, i finally bid farewell to my parents for that day and promised to be back tomorrow.

hopefully, i will be more energetic tomorrow than i was today.

agenda.. agenda.. agenda..

2005-04-08T22:55:00.000-07:00

my first agenda today was to fix my things here at home for my move tomorrow. i called my cable tv provider for disconnection, contacted my mom's secretary for the L300 van we'll be borrowing to carry my stuff and my tito for the additional boxes.

second in line was to buy needed stuff for myself - white shoes, additional underwear, new reference books. at Goodwill Bookstore, i had to make a quick decision on whether to buy the latest edition of Harrison's Internal Medicine (worth P5500). i had second thoughts because of our expenses - dad's hospitalization, my tuition fee, incoming bills, etc. finally, i said to the saleslady "miss, ung harrison's po." my total purchases amounted to less than P8K. sorry mom.

third was to visit my dad at the hospital. i'm very glad to see he's recovering (i've observed less slurring of speech now) and even happier to know he's gonna be transferred to a private room. his neurologist said that she wants to him ambulate there and she'll order angiography and another test before she gives the discharge order by monday (hopefully). she also doesn't prohibit him on playing golf coz that's his lifestyle though she warned him not to stress himself too much. we got out of the ICU around quarter to 5 pm. i planned on spending the night there but jen was also interested. being the big sis i am, i let her stay there. so, i had plans of covering my new books, posting here and resting early. well, they had to wait coz i had a sudden agenda.

anna thought i was the one dropping jen at the hospital, so she asked me a favor - starbucks coffee frap venti size. but dad insisted that kuya lando drive us since it's already night (btw, they don't let me drive at night because of my nearsightedness). so the 3 of us drove to the hospital and i stayed at dad's room for another 1 hour while kuya drove to the office and exchanged our car with the L300 we'll be using tomorrow. at 9, i was at starbucks in festival mall, ordering anna's coffee. thankfully, i arrived back here at home around 9:40.

this was a very tiring day!

A Lover's Prayer

2005-04-07T22:11:00.000-07:00

Take my hand and dance with me,
Before I lose my memory,
Hold me close, wrap me tightly around your arms,
Don't ever let me go.

Stay with me, even just for tonight.
'Tis a time to celebrate, a moment to remember.
In this silent room, in this safe dark, in this slice of time,
Fused at the heart and touching at all the right places,
In hearts and minds, in bodies and souls,
In rhythmic motions, in perfect harmony,
Make it known that we are one.

Give me something precious to hold,
For the rest of my life.
Deep within my heart, I'll bury
The memory of you and me

get well soon, dad!

2005-04-07T16:30:00.000-07:00

9:00 pm.. 6th april 2005

i received a call from my mom asking me to fix for her (& dad as well) clothes, bath accessories, towels, dad's contact lens kit. i wondered where are they spending the night - in a hotel somewhere for an extended, impromptu honeymoon? asking here where they were, the answer was unexpected - Asian Hospital. what happened? dad speech was slurred with accompanying nausea. holy canoly?! he's having stroke?! i began to practice my history taking skills over the phone (i'm beginning clerkship 1 week from now). thankfully, no weakness, no numbness, no facial asymmetry in the lower quadrant; he was able to ambulate independently from the car to the ER, unassisted, coherent, cooperative. still, my worries weren't over. i was beginning to think of stroke in evolution yet praying that no other manifestations will arise in the next 48 hours.

this morning, i left to visit my dad. relieved to see he was awake on his bed, he told me he underwent CT scan last night. there were no hemorrhages. thank goodness! observing him while i was there (at the same time doin my own PE), i was beginning to arrive at a conclusion that he just suffered a mild stroke - alert, coherent, cooperative, bedbound, not in pain and respiratory distress, IV line on (R), ECG leads, pulse oximeter on (R) index finger, nasal cannula (though i wondered about this since he is not hypoxemic.. nurses said it's SOP since he's in ICU. nyek!), normal mmt (including muscles of facial expression), intact sensation on both upper and lower extremities, no bilateral babinski reflex, cranial nerves intact. i'm glad to see he can sit up independently during meals and tolerate it for almost an hour. but heck, i wouldn't mind if he did it in lesser time coz he deserves to rest and at this time, ambulating him inside his cubicle will drive the nurses nuts. ambulation will come at the right time (perhaps on saturday) and when he's out of ICU.

i pray for his early and complete recovery. i love you dad! :)

Aarrrgggghhh!!!

2005-04-06T20:12:00.000-07:00

monday night i got a text message saying "grps 1 and 2: courtesy call at the Medicine ward tomorrow at 9 am, be in complete uniform, no definite place yet but we'll meet at 2nd floor". ok. worrying that the staff will remember me for being absent, i decided to go (as if i had a choice).

yesterday morning i was there w/ less than 15 students. surprisingly from our section, there were just 2 of us. we were all standing along the halls of the 2nd floor (of the clinical div) when 1 of us got a text message and blurted out "bukas daw ung courtesy call." hu-wat?! i was sure of what i read the previous night. thankfully, the message was still stored in my inbox and read the message again, making sure of what was written. well, it was the same message & the date was right. ergo, i wasn't informed of the changes. frustrated, i went home. along the way home, my classmate texted me saying "reg, sorry wala na akong load kagabi. bukas na lang daw ung courtesy call." wow! thanks for nothing, buddy!

last night, i received a text message saying the same story (now with the emphasis on the word DEFINITE). ok fine! i set my alarm clock at 5:30 am, coz i also had to finalize my contract w/ mr singson (the owner of karenza place, my new dorm) by 8.

i woke up at 5:25 am this morning, skipped breakfast at home, & drove the car (surprisingly since i planned on commuting). aeris and i signed the contracts at around 8:30, walked to school quarter to 9. everyone from groups 1 & 2 were there. much to my (further) dismay, we had no permanent or fixed meeting room - we went from the residents staff room to the CME and back to the 2nd floor hallway almost crowding to the point that doctors, patients (& their companions) had to say "excuse me!". finally, a sight to behold - the residents came (like a flock.. err? super friends?) and talked to 1 of us. then she approached us saying "sino daw nagsabi na may courtesy call tayo ngayon?! may orientation daw tayo pero sa april 11 pa at 4 pm." huh?! you mean i went at school for 2 days, all for nothing?! not to forget i wasted heaven-knows-how-much liters of gas (considering that prices are sky rocketting these past days) for driving. i feel like kicking myself, strangulating the person who started that announcement (well, more on the latter). damn!

the new me..

2005-04-05T19:02:00.000-07:00

at last.. a new blog.. a new journal.. hopefully, a new part of me..

this is tough, not knowing anything about websites.. i feel like a kindergarten here, asking questions (like a child) to those who are so adept among these things..

at last, a universe of my own where i could remove my mask, bare all of me (well, literally speaking) and reveal my true self (both good and bad, no pretentions whatsoever) to friends and complete strangers -- hoping, wishing, praying that i won't be prejudiced, sympathized, empathized, understood and accepted.